Very well written essay by Jake Jaxson on his relationships with us models….
“I mentioned in my essay, I Am Jake Jaxson, I was proud of what I do, but I’m also proud of all the people I work with. One of the reasons I chose to come out from the shadows and eventually bring myself into my work — literally showing my face — was because my partner, Benny, had done so as the Creative Director and blogger of CockyBoys, and because my performers do so every day. How could I ask them to put themselves out there if I couldn’t do the same?
This Saturday, CockyBoys’ Road Strip will be having its feature-length world premiere at the Philadelphia QFest. I hope to sit next to Jake, Max, and their moms as they watch with pride the hard work and possibilities their sons have created for their lives.
And this brings me to another point. Soon after meeting and signing Jake Bass, he started calling me “Daddy.” At first, I did not like it. Gay subculture and even in adult entertainment, “Daddy” has very clear meanings and connotations. And being relatively young and not that rich, I did not see myself as a Daddy!
But I soon realized “Daddy” had a much different meaning for Jake. His father passed away from a protracted and debilitating illness when he was a boy, and it had a profound effect on his young soul — the least of which being that any time he coughs or has a headache, it sends him into a panic and fear of his body breaking down and brain tumors. For Jake, getting sick equals death. And while my heart would break every time this happened, I would coach him to a resolution that was balanced and real. Over time, it was clear I was more than his boss. I was becoming something more.
Soon after I signed Max Ryder as an exclusive model, a pattern began to emerge that was started by Jake. He also began calling me “Daddy” (it was actually “Daddy CockyBoys”). Soon, the other performers, colleagues, and fans started calling me that, too. Thus, I was compelled to come up with my porn name — I prefer nom de plume — Jake Jaxson.
I have had the the pleasure of meeting both Jake and Max’s mothers. In fact, I meet many of the moms of my performers. They want to know their sons are safe, and I want to assure them that as much as possible. Managing these boys is like holding back the tide, herding cats, and going through airport security all at the same time! And at times, it’s not easy. I hear my own father’s voice bellow out of my mouth when I’m mad as a cuss, yet it turns steady and calm when I’m trying to show and teach them the obvious. I implore them to save their earnings, rest and eat right, be true to their word, live in mutual respect, and do all things in moderation.
Yet I also see them making the same mistakes I did at their age (God knows how I would have survived had Grindr existed). I hear them tell the same lies I used to tell. I see them fall in lust and not in love. I see them going down the same roads as me, and since I know where all the pot holes, switchbacks, and dead ends lay, I warn them, desperately hoping to make them “STOP.”
Like my father, I am helpless to stop the tide of the all-knowing youth. I can only love and guide as best I can. And like my father, I do my best to take the slings and arrows of blame, resentment, and fault for still not doing or being enough for my boys. I have laughed with them, worried about them, been angry at them. I have caught their tears, and have seen my fair share of broken hearts and stitches.
As an adopted child, I believed I was a “chosen one,” lucky to have found a loving home. Today, I am proud to say I am once again a “chosen one” — this time, as a father to my family, my staff, and my performers, our CockyBoys.
Love always and be nice,