If you’ve ever visited New York and you haven’t used the mothah fucking MTA then, well, you’re NOT missing out on much… Besides well, hobos that piss on the floor, rats with 3 feet, and black girls in cheetah print. Wait don’t forget the pick pocketers, AIDS, and did I mention the hobos that piss on the floor?
It’s disgusting, but living in NYC, unless you want to always get ripped off by ghandi cab drivers, you learn to tolerate them. Personally, I’ve grown to love what tourists call ‘the underground’… It’s actually one of the places where I actually have time to think. It’s cool to go down there with your headphones blasting some Lana Del Rey and your notebook, you’d be surprised of all the cool ideas you get. Actually, I wrote 2 of my most commented on REAL TALK posts while riding from brooklyn to mid-town in the subway. All the cool kids take the subway anyways… Katie Holmes even takes it. It’s not that bad, but if you aren’t EXPERIENCED or PREPARED you can end up somewhere in Haarlem with no wallet and phone… So I’m going to provide a couple tips that can make your first experience one that you don’t regret.
Step One: Don’t ever make eye contact. You can get shot, stabbed ,or beaten. Unless they’re famous, a model, or have a big bulge.
Step Two: Avoid all Nicki Minaj impersonators, don’t be blinded by their bright hair… they have a dark soul.
Step Three: Never leave your wallet, cellphone, money, or baby in any UNZIPPED pocket. They will get stolen.
Step Four: Make sure you never hold on to any railing, bar, door while riding the subway. Do use old people with canes, friends, and Asians. REMEMBER hobos pee on them.
Step Five: Don’t ever take photos of peoples weird shoes… no matter oh hard you try to sneak it. You’ll forget flash is on & they’ll punch you in the face.
Step Six: Never take the subway after the club. No matter how sober you think you are, you will pass out and wake up with your shoes stolen. (yes this really happens).
Step 7: If you’re a girl with big boobs, expensive jewelry, and fuck me boots NEVER ride the subway after 11:30pm. You will be sold into sex trafficking.
Step 8: Make sure you’ve downloaded my lifesaver while taking the subway, the iPhone app: iTrans NYC. Use it for finding which train to take, transferring trains, train times, near by subway stations, and info on service advisories, delays or cancellations.
I hope these helped you prepare for your next ride on the MTA. I promise it’s not bad and you WILL survive if you follow those pointers. Trust me either I know from experience or it has happened to someone I know. Try to always ride w/ a buddy!