As a lot of you know, recently I took a break from social media… it was the hardest thing to do, but I needed to get my mind back to being realistic. I love my job, and I love my fans… without having your support I wouldn’t be where I am today, so having a guy have the power to take me away from those who care most for 11 days was stupid. I had a very scary reality check over something and someone that I shouldn’t have. I’m sharing this with you, so you can hopefully learn from my mistakes, and unfortunately I can’t say this will keep you from experiencing your own, but hopefully provide a better way to deal and cope!
Most of you probably don’t know that I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. These past months have been some of the best days of my life, but also some of the worst. I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t have integrity or honor their WORD. Now I bet you’re like wtf does that mean? Well, your WORD is all a person really has at the end of the day. So, keeping promises, or being honest are examples of honoring your word. Now, my ex was not a bad guy, just incredibly flawed. I loved him more than anyone I’ve ever dated my whole life, and at the same time I felt like he loved me more than anyone in my life ever did. But, he could never keep any of his promises, and would lie over the stupidest things. This break of trust and dishonesty caused me to be very on edge in the relationship & It caused me to become a very negative person. Always assuming the worse, always trying to JUSTIFY when he was wrong or lied etc etc. It killed me inside, and I started to live in a world of FEAR. The Fear of not knowing what his intentions were, or Fear if he was being honest… It really killed me. But, I stayed in the relationship even though each day I was becoming more unhappy and less positive. I wanted to trust him. But he just could never be honest with me. To me being honest is not that hard of a thing to do and quite frankly there is no excuse good enough for when you lie. For him there was always a reason good enough. & blinded by his “love” I always believed him. Even when he was wrong or did get caught in a lie, he would deny it and basically make me prove it to him EVEN THOUGH he was well aware of what he did. He basically made me feel like I was always wrong and crazy, & I hated it. My mind became my own worst enemy.
Recently, I had a couple days where I partied too hard and ended up staying up for 3 days… I ended up going through his phone, I came across a conversation with a friend of his since he was younger. I never questioned this guy or anything cause he’s “straight” actually has a gf and everything, and the conversation didn’t add up. Short story is, the messages added up to him secretly meeting up with this “friend” while this guys girlfriend wasn’t around etc etc. I found out. He denied it. I begged him to just tell me the truth… he never did. Still is denying it. & I’m the one who’s wrong blah blah blah. He cheated on me.
That night I think was the worst night of my life. I’ve never cried or hurt so much. It was weird that someone had the ability to cause me so much pain. Especially someone that I thought sincerely cared about and loved me. It sucked. I felt alone. I felt crazy. & on top of it I was confused. I didn’t get any questions answered. I don’t think I ever will. All I wanted was the truth, but that was too hard for him.
Needless to say, I handled the situation very stupidly. To get back on track Jake Jaxson gave me the greatest gift ever… THE LANDMARK FORUM. It’s a 4 day extensive seminar course, that helps break old patterns, help you accept the past and love yourself. A lesson I got out of the forum and I wish I knew in the beginning was that you’re own well-being should ALWAYS be your number one priority. I was afraid because of my job or lifestyle, that I’d never find anyone again that could love and support me like he did, but was stupid because in the process I started believing I needed someone to be happy. & that is not the case. If you’re in a relationship and start changing for the worse, It’s time to remove yourself from the situation no matter how hard it is. Or how much you love them. You are your first priority. & REMEMBER, You can’t love somebody else, if you don’t love yourself.
Tips to SURVIVE your first heartbreak.