The question I ask myself everyday is “How can a world where I have thousands of fans/supporters that are constantly giving me the attention and compliments i’ve always wanted, still at the end of the day, make me feel so alone?” Coming up to almost a year being in the business there are many things I’ve learned… about society, about people in general, but most of all about myself.
Being 19 and thrown into a world that is unlike any other, a world where you are judged on a daily basis, a world that most will never experience or understand. It’s a world where if you’re not careful you can lose who you are quickly, and travel down a path of mass destruction, poor decisions, regrettable habits, and a path of temporary happiness. I’ve seen this first hand, and at times from some of my closest colleagues… the sad thing is, I can never to help them. With a mentality that everything is fine, that they are fine, its hard to help those who don’t want to be helped. So, the reality of it was that I was going to help myself by becoming an observer in all situations, and by promising myself that I’d never let myself go down that road. I make it sound that easy right? Well if I didn’t have the support and guidance from my closest friends, family, and the guidance from a company that treats me more than just a model or porn-star, but as a human being, I’m afraid to even think where I’d be today. I’m not perfect, my first couple months in the business were yes, probably the funnest, but definitely not the healthiest. With this new flow of income I never had and the constant exposure to new people/places, I’ve managed to get into some situations or done somethings that probably weren’t the smartest. But not once have I regretted anything… like everything else in life it’s a learning process, I’m just thankful that I caught on early enough.
It’s a question that has in a sense made me loose a little piece of me… physically I know I’m not alone, but just the feeling I have of distrust and that everyone around me has bad intentions has at times turned me into a very negative, unhappy person. It’s caused me to limit who I trust and let into my life, and even at times pushing those who care the most away. All feelings come from somewhere I believe and this feeling I have , definitely isn’t just from being in the industry, it’s probably deeper, But from being in a certain spotlight where you are looked up upon and are exposed to many people that would also like to share the spotlight with you, it’s very hard to cypher out those that come into my life with bad intentions. This is why it’s so hard for me to date and maintain a healthy relationship with someone, especially those that have lied, hurt or even broke promises to me, because it triggers this emotion and once I have this mentality that someone has bad intentions with me, it’s hard to control it.
At the end of the day this industry is business. The people you work with are always thinking about how they can make more money or about what the can do that will benefit themselves, and I understand it 100%… Trust me there are times where even I do it. It’s a natural business reaction to be the best. I just don’t like it. Because you never know at the end of the day you don’t know which one of your ‘friends’ will end up fucking you over for their own benefit. & that’s where the lonely feeling comes from… From the feeling of not knowing or the possibility that someone really isn’ there with good intentions. But, what I’m in the process of learning is that no matter what a person’s intentions are with me or who will be there when I’m not Max Ryder, that I am grounded and can reassure myself that no matter what happens, I’m safe and that everything happens for a reason.
& when I achieve that, no longer will I be negative, but an even more positive and overall just a generally happier person.
cheeersss to thattttt