The question I ask myself everyday is “How can a world where I have thousands of fans/supporters that are constantly giving me the attention and compliments i’ve always wanted, still at the end of the day, make me feel so alone?” Coming up to almost a year being in the business there are many things I’ve learned… about society, about people in general, but most of all about myself.
Being 19 and thrown into a world that is unlike any other, a world where you are judged on a daily basis, a world that most will never experience or understand. It’s a world where if you’re not careful you can lose who you are quickly, and travel down a path of mass destruction, poor decisions, regrettable habits, and a path of temporary happiness. I’ve seen this first hand, and at times from some of my closest colleagues… the sad thing is, I can never to help them. With a mentality that everything is fine, that they are fine, its hard to help those who don’t want to be helped. So, the reality of it was that I was going to help myself by becoming an observer in all situations, and by promising myself that I’d never let myself go down that road. I make it sound that easy right? Well if I didn’t have the support and guidance from my closest friends, family, and the guidance from a company that treats me more than just a model or porn-star, but as a human being, I’m afraid to even think where I’d be today. I’m not perfect, my first couple months in the business were yes, probably the funnest, but definitely not the healthiest. With this new flow of income I never had and the constant exposure to new people/places, I’ve managed to get into some situations or done somethings that probably weren’t the smartest. But not once have I regretted anything… like everything else in life it’s a learning process, I’m just thankful that I caught on early enough.
It’s a question that has in a sense made me loose a little piece of me… physically I know I’m not alone, but just the feeling I have of distrust and that everyone around me has bad intentions has at times turned me into a very negative, unhappy person. It’s caused me to limit who I trust and let into my life, and even at times pushing those who care the most away. All feelings come from somewhere I believe and this feeling I have , definitely isn’t just from being in the industry, it’s probably deeper, But from being in a certain spotlight where you are looked up upon and are exposed to many people that would also like to share the spotlight with you, it’s very hard to cypher out those that come into my life with bad intentions. This is why it’s so hard for me to date and maintain a healthy relationship with someone, especially those that have lied, hurt or even broke promises to me, because it triggers this emotion and once I have this mentality that someone has bad intentions with me, it’s hard to control it.
At the end of the day this industry is business. The people you work with are always thinking about how they can make more money or about what the can do that will benefit themselves, and I understand it 100%… Trust me there are times where even I do it. It’s a natural business reaction to be the best. I just don’t like it. Because you never know at the end of the day you don’t know which one of your ‘friends’ will end up fucking you over for their own benefit. & that’s where the lonely feeling comes from… From the feeling of not knowing or the possibility that someone really isn’ there with good intentions. But, what I’m in the process of learning is that no matter what a person’s intentions are with me or who will be there when I’m not Max Ryder, that I am grounded and can reassure myself that no matter what happens, I’m safe and that everything happens for a reason.
& when I achieve that, no longer will I be negative, but an even more positive and overall just a generally happier person.
cheeersss to thattttt
xx
Maaaax
Every industry is about “how they can make more money or about what they can do that will benefit themselves”. It has nothing to do with porn specifically. If you ever start working in any other job, you will find the exact same thing.
Exactly what I said… business is business!
You’re in a business that, while it doesn’t necessarily have to be bad for people, historically has a mixed record at best for taking care of those involved. It certainly isn’t alone in that regard but the way sex is so tied to emotions in our society makes this industry unique in its ability to help people develop positive attitudes or really mess them up.
I think it’s a good sign for your long term success as a person, not just as a performer, that you’re able to take a step back and see the larger picture of what can happen to people in your profession. As with any industry, my advice would be to do good work you can take pride in when you look back at it, treat people well, help others when you can, and take care of yourself too.
It is probably the hardest thing being torn between wanting to trust someone and protecting yourself.
What helps me the most is that I know that we are all human and all of us hurt sometimes. Some of us do it on purpose, some don’t.
If you keep that in mind it is easier to forgive and at the same time it protects you from giving yourself completly to someone.
But the most important thing is that you can trust yourself.
You have to deal with yourself all the time, you are your steady companion and if you reach that point of being in perfect harmony with yourself, i guess than no one can hurt you.
(I apologise for my english. I wish you all the best <3)
Very poignant and thoughtful. Often times, people who are adult film fans buy into the facade of what is presented on the screen. Many, if not most, are more concerned with seeing the sex without seeing the person. Us fans would do well to enjoy the sex, but also to develop a deeper respect for the actors as people. Thank you Max for your honesty. <3
thank you very much for ur support <3
Dear Max,
I can’t quite think of a clever way to start off this comment, so I’ll have to begin with the humbling of my current lack of creativity. I found this blog post very fascinating to read, and I am glad that you took the time to post it. I can imagine that it is therapeutic to blog about stuff, though a bit intimidating to put your thoughts out there. I guess your whole bit about feeling alone really resonated with me. I can’t say I fully understand your situation; I am not a famous or highly desired porn star. However, I do understand what it is like to feel alone even though I am not physically alone and have the support of a great group of friends and family. I can only imagine that things are a bit tougher for you since you have the whole added dimension of being in porn.
What’s really awesome about you is how you are taking the time and the mindset to step back and observe. I am kind of the same way. I like to sit back, observe other people, and learn what I can from the world around me. The fact that you are able to do that, even though you see individuals in your profession traverse a path of self-destruction, and learn from those observations is absolutely awesome.
So this comment is probably going to end up the same length as your blog post, which is kind of ridiculous. I am not even sure why I am responding in the first place. I normally don’t find the words to actually respond to something. But I am procrastinating on my homework so this seemed like a good use of my time. After all, you do take the time to write these blog posts.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never watched one of your videos or movies. I don’t even know how I discovered you, but when I did I spent a fair amount of time reading your blog posts. So through all of that you somehow turned into one of those bloggers that people find interesting who just happens to do porn. At least that is my perception of you know. I am not even sure that made any sense. I think I’d honestly feel guilty if I ever ended up watching one of your videos. Even though you’re probably my equivalent of a porn star crush, I am by far most interested in your brain. I find almost everything that you have to post interesting in some way, and I try to take whatever information is applicable to me.
Wow this is really long. And probably going on a bit creepy now. I think I’ll stop here before I end up writing a novel. Anyways, to sum it all up, you’re awesome.
Very touching, Max. I’m sad you have met such dishonest and fake people. I don’t like you were sad by that. :(
A beautiful,sweet young man like you deserves better. And,do you have idea how smart are you for your age? I’m speechless everytime I read your posts. If someone doesn’t accept you like you are, just think they’re those who lose. ;)
Cheers honey! Stay strong!!
xx
Thoughtful and beautifully-written, Max. I would like to take it a step further – please check your DM’s, I’ll explain. xxx
I think that what you just wrote shows all your fans that porn isn´t as fun, carefree as you and other pornstars make it seem… I for one cannot imagine being in those situations and I probably wouldn´t be able to live that crazy, wild lifestyle.
But it’s just as you said, in your industry (and any other) you have to be smart, humble and most of all never to forsake yourself, your friends and family who support you everyday.
I’m sure you’ll find someone who loves you not for your physique, fame or even money but just for being with him and making him happy!
You earned my respect with this post and I wish you the best Max :)
I greatly respect you. And after reading this.. I just respect you even more! Man! You are so.. you.
Love you more and more each day. It’s a shame, I live in the UK. I really reaaaally want to meet you in person.
Now this is just my opinion and you don’t have to make a comment on it but.. you and Jake. Yes please.
Haha, I say too much.
x Luke x
Your young giving your plenty of time to meet that mr right so you no longer feel alone.
As someone outside the adult industry (I have neither the looks or the sexual prowess to work in the business), I sometimes wonder about the people who chose to do porn.
The old standard used to be a portrait of young men and women who were damaged and desperate; people who had few options in life and were tricked, manipulated, coerced, used, and exploited by sleazy and disreputable people
But how do we define porn actors today who actively seek work in the adult industry, submitting head and body shots to well-established adult websites and studios? Are they being exploited by others or exploiting themselves? Do they believe they’re smarter than those who came before them and won’t fall into the same traps? What are their motives? What do they believe they’re going to gain? How do they see their future, if they even consider their future at all? Do they consider what might happen when the fame is gone?
Why is fame so lonely? Why doesn’t fame make people happy? There are plenty of Hollywood films that have dealt with that topic. Why didn’t fame make Michael Jackson, Lindsey Lohan, or Whitney Huston happy? People who seemed to have had it all and yet led lives of self-destruction.
If you can, I would recommend that you keep in contact with friends you knew before you got in the business who can see you as the person you really are. In my experience from reading interviews and blogs by porn actors, too many seem to believe their own hype or at least lose perspective and end up making bad choices. The same can be said of Hollywood actors and singers.
If you wish to remain grounded, you need to find friends outside the industry who see you for who you are and not a commodity or their ticket to events and hook-ups. If you do nothing but hang around people in the business who might have questionable or ulterior motives, you will likely come to see yourself as being used by others.
If you like working in the adult industry, I would suggest you learn as much as you can about every aspect of the business from camera work to directing so you can easily transition into other aspects of the industry.
If you don’t like doing porn or you’ve come to see it as unsatisfying or a mistake, you need to get out of the business. Don’t make any big announcements. Start looking for something else while you finish any current commitments then leave.
I wish you all the best.
Marcus.
I always love reading your posts like this. It’s nice knowing that you are a human being and that CockyBoys treats you well. I think that it’s really cool that you share your experiences on your blog. I’m a big fan and just wanted to say I’m glad to hear that you are doing well and hope things stay that way.
You should read a book called Velvet Rage, it’ll help you understand where a lot of this comes from.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Straight/dp/0738215678/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361294019&sr=8-1&keywords=the+velvet+rage
Max,
I want to see you rimming the top in the next film,
and swallow his cum?
Do you rim?
Do you swallow?
Please next film
Bob
Head up Maxy. You’re mad cute, people is just jealous
Well said Max. Never deny how you feel about certain things or people, because that’s who you are. It’s not just your knowledge, but your experience. It’s also what you have learned from your family and friends. Sometimes, it’s the things that hurt you that make you wiser and stronger in decision(s) for the future. You will always be in a continuum of learning – not just about life, but about yourself. Sadly, some people will come into your life for a period of time and then leave; never regret losing friends that were in your life for they probably were meant to only be with you for that time. Live your life the way you can, because you were given this opportunity to not just be here, but to share with all of us who you are. As you continue forward, allow yourself to be open to new opportunities, people, and experiences. Always share your time and be generous with it. At such a young age, you have so much more to see and to learn. As time passes, you want to be able to reflect on your life and be proud of what you did with the time that you were given. :)